“If I didn't define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people's fantasies for me and eaten alive.”
-Audre Lourde
The above quote is the sole content of my post on December 12th, 2009.
I was in Austria at the time, in the first year of my masters, and my life was much different than it is now. I was living with a roommate who was my good friend, exploring buddy, and confidante. We are now completely estranged for myriad unfortunate reasons. I was a student, with great hopes and about what the future of my degree would hold for me. Now, finished with my studies, "when I grow up" is now, and I'm struggling, like many American 20-somethings, to figure out where it goes from here.. I was learning about the German language, as well as how to live in a foreign country, with greater intensity and frustration and joy than ever before. This year, I am more confident, capable, experienced, and bold, and while each day offers challenges, daily life isn't a stress--I don't worry about having to go to the doctor or the employment office, or about an unexpected conversation on the street or at the bakery.
This post from 2009 is one of many others peppering my blog that trace a subtle yet distinct path in a life that I continually try to divide into disjointed chunks. Many hurdles I tried to leap then still stand in front of me; many moments of joy and peace I enjoyed then I can still enjoy now.
Reflecting on such blog posts, much like reading diary entries from years gone by, is thus a humbling and enlightening experience. The reading shows that failure and achievement are not forever; growth is not always up, but sometimes sideways; and big problems or goals often require repeated examination from time to time, rather than a quick or easy fix.
This quote by Audre Lourde offers one such example of a theme in my life, and I am certain in many others' lives, that requires frequent revisiting.
I can track my progress in trying to achieve what Lourde prompts all the way back to a car ride on the way tap dance class when I was perhaps 7 or 8. I knew there was a student in class who was favored by the teacher over me. My intense desire to be thought of well by my teacher spawned fear, worry, and emotional upheaval within me. I couldn't stop thinking, perhaps obsessively, of what I could do to prove to my teacher who I really was, what I was really capable of.
Growing up, I remember my father repeatedly telling me not to care what people said or thought--that it didn't matter. Unfortunately, the lessons of wiser humans can't often be passed on in telling alone. I couldn't simply turn off my obsessive worry.
Now, almost 20 years later, I struggle with this constant nagging worry that social media has only exacerbated: What is the image of myself I'm projecting? Will others like it, and should I care if they don't? Most recently, this theme has appeared again my life as I seek to find inner peace with my definition of self, my preferences for activities, personalities, and life goals. For example, I must fight against myself to stop worrying how others will feel if I don't take part in this or that event, or if I'm honest about how I spend my time.
There are certainly positive sides to this theme. Approval or disapproval from your peers can be a signal that perhaps your choices aren't the best and something should change. The same social media that has exacerbated the requirement for labels and classifying individuals has also allowed for those with niche interests or particular personalities to overcome isolation and often loneliness.
Despite the advantages, however, getting trapped in this cycle of unproductive worry is an unpleasant byproduct I almost constantly suffer from, so I must constantly re-confront the root: an exchange of power in defining oneself and the consequent degradation of human complexity.
Regardless of how long I worry about a certain decision, I stumble again and again upon the realization that in this process, I have figuratively passed the power for defining myself, and my priorities, onto others, whether they wanted it or not.
I allow myself to be "crunched" into someone I may not be, and to actually enjoy it. This person isn't always someone I wouldn't want to be, but she is someone who I am simply possibly not. The consequence of this crunching is, according to Lourde, the process of being eaten alive, which I think of as the disintegration of the mosaic whole that is the human personality. Deconstructed, it's easy to spot pieces that could be destroyed or refined, to dwell on them and ignore the whole.
My authentic self is in and of itself a very problematic idea--for even if I decided who I was and wanted to be, and defined myself based on my own fantasies, I would not be isolated from the input and influence of my peers. This self is dynamic. Following past blog ruminations allows me to see certain common threads in the pattern of this self, but they can appear interwoven with others, hidden at times, showcased at others, and sometimes even cut out of the tapestry completely.
I believe this journey toward being able to attain inner peace about my authentic self begins with insisting on keeping the power to define myself thoughtfully and the right to change my mind when confronted with criticism or when noticing room for improvement. It will continue, then, in my ongoing struggle to accept that not everyone will like this person, nor approve, and that's often ok. Unfortunately, it's easier said than done.
No comments:
Post a Comment